Thursday, August 22, 2013

Fedoras Galore-Ughs

Even if you don't want to admit it, you wish you looked good in hats.

Hats are tricky buggers. Putting one on pretty much says, "I tried." And no one wants to look like they're trying, right? That's why I've spent 7/8ths of my life in sweatpants, right?

I've had a hard time of it with hats. This isn't hat-friendly hair; it has a lot of variables. You see this hat here?

It matches my beautiful honey-wheat-colored teeth.

I bought it for a couple bucks at a thrift store before moving to New Orleans, where the hat no longer fit. No, really—it's called humidity.

Today at work I couldn't get straw hats off the brain. I realize that sounds pretty weird, but hear me out: I've been spending a lot of time in the sun, and also, Kady found a great old straw hat on our recent weekend trip to Kansas City, which she willed to me in the event that she dies or grows tired of the hat—whichever comes first. 

Also, my friend, Shash, got an amazing hat recently, so...they're on my brain and I can't help it and I even devoted a small fraction of my lunch to searching for a straw hat.

So imagine the serendipitous rush I got on the way home, just a mile from my place,  when I saw giant handmade signs announcing something almost too good to be true: HAT SAMPLE SALE $3

Get out.

Naturally my initial thought was, "I'm not exactly a sample size," which is a whole 'nother story.

Side note: it is embarrassing to go to a hat sample sale on the side of the road and leave and then come back (with money).

Buying less than four hats just seemed asinine since four hats were $10.

I was looking for sun protection. So I grazed the heap of straw for the widest brim.

That's how I arrived at choice #1:

The Man-in-the-Yellow-Hat hat

Number 2 came about seamlessly enough:

The Your-Dad-Plays-Golf hat by Dockers, the people who make your dad's pants

Number 3 was another easy, wide-brimmed selection:

The Your-Culturally-Ambiguous-Friend hat, obviously my favorite...

I like to think that #4 chose me:

The Number-Four-Cuz-it-Was-4-for-$10 hat; 
aka the I-Accidentally-Bought-a-Fedora hat...

Listen, I guess what I'm trying to say is I guess I look pretty terrific in hats. And also, what the heck? A hat sample sale on the side of the road? What is that?

I don't know, man. But I like it. Even if it was unexpectedly run by some upper-middle-class bro and his pretty, tan mom.


Your comments are why I get out of bed in the morning. Just kidding. But I do like them.