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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

What I Learned from Dawson's Creek, Part I

I can't explain how it started exactly. I think I felt like I missed out on something.



So one day I had a bug and I discovered that I, as an Amazon Prime member, could watch all six seasons free of charge. And it started. It was rough the first season with my whole "oh, because of the creek!" epiphanies and Dawson's oompa-features and the fact that Bessie is like 40, and the whole thing with Dawson's mom's bangs and the juxtaposition of ridiculously advanced vocabulary (I still don't think I've ever voluntarily used the word 'pedantic' and I am a 30-year-old college-grad) against incorrect grammar (Honestly, world—you've been brainwashed; when in doubt, it's me, not I. No really.).

The goal was to finish the first five seasons then settle down with two close peers to hedonistically indulge in the sixth season over like sangria or some other grown-up lady beverage. But it wasn't easy.

You see, it's hard work for a grown woman to watch this show. Especially if footwear is important to her. So I failed. I am only six episodes into the second-to-last season and I leave in nine days. But it wasn't a waste of time by any argument. In fact, this late-90s/early-00s teen drama served to validate many convictions I have held dear for many years. Here are just a few:

  • If you're buying the rights to something—say a theme song or the like—buy them for every imaginable use. 
  • If you say "I love you" to someone other than your sibling, best friend, parent or pet, that relationship is officially doomed.
  • If you say something you regret to someone, they will die before you have a chance to apologize.
  • A man with no qualifications or experience can get a job as a highschool English teacher or football coach or guidance counselor.
  • The fastest way to get a new, better-looking boyfriend is to tell your current boyfriend that you need to "find yourself."
  • Never ever say you're disappointed in someone. You will die very shortly after.
  • Never question the source of an uptight grandmother's accent. It. just. is.
It might be a few months, but stay tuned for part II. Something tells me the lessons of season five and six are going to be as poignant as the jeans are low riding. 

11 comments:

Your comments are why I get out of bed in the morning. Just kidding. But I do like them.