How to Dine Alone

I'm a bit of an intro-jerk who is happy to do most of my activities alone. But even I find it intimidating to dine solo. I'm not talking coffee-shop or fast-casual (the awful name for places like Chipotle and Panera). I mean a restaurant with cloth napkins and a wine list.

Like most activities, there are ways to not only  ease the pain but also to make this enjoyable. Here are some:

Just think about how fancy you are. 

The last time I dined alone I was in Birmingham, Michigan for work and you know what? I was fancy. I was staying at a Holiday Inn stocked with a box of red wine I purchased at Walmart, and I was driving a rented Corolla, people. But when I decided to forego delivered pizza and eat like a grownup in a real restaurant, I upped my fancy just a bit, and this gave me confidence. It said, "Yes this lipstick and necklace demonstrate that I'm a successful and independent 45-year-old* woman and I am here to dine alone, thank you very much."

Get Happy Already

When I walked into that adorable boutique restaurant, I smiled at the maitre' d and said politely—if not a little coyly—"It's just me tonight... if you want to seat me at the bar that's fine." With mildly theatrical protest, he said, "No, sweetie, we've got a perfect spot for you in our lounge." And it was the perfect spot. Just taking a few minutes to be friendly with the man who controlled the most important part of my evening—where I sat—paid off in spades. He checked on me twice that evening.

I spoke with my server Theresa about solo diners and asked her if she had any perspective or pointers. She had this to offer: "Honestly, the best thing you can do is be friendly. I think a lot of people are insecure when dining alone so they have a bit of a chip on their shoulder. I look at a solo diner and I think—now there's someone who knows how to dine!"

So get the chip off your shoulder and embrace your solitude. People aren't thinking that you don't have any friends. They're thinking that you know how to treat yo'self or that you are on business and know how to treat yo'self. Win win win win win win win....

Be good to the staff and they will be good to you, especially when you are a lone duck surrounded by large tables being auto-comped on their six bottles of wine. (Theresa swore she doesn't evaluate a table based on their tip, but it doesn't hurt to be a little more generous than you might be when dining in a group—think of it as a thank you for the specialized attention you receive.)

Be Engaged

"This is an exchange. I'm here to bring you what you ask for, but you have to communicate that to me," said Theresa. Theresa and other servers are not mind-readers. Servers also don't like to interrupt people. If you look like you're having a romantic dalliance with your smartphone, you're likely to be ignored. Plus it's just kind of rude.

I am not barring all phones, the warm crutch of a book or whatever it is that occupies you and fuels your confidence to dine alone. Just make sure you are aware of your surroundings and follow these phone etiquette tips:

• Don't talk on the phone; if you receive a call, excuse yourself.
• Turn your ringer to vibrate or silent.
• Remember to come up for air; make occasional eye contact with the server to communicate your needs or simply your contentment.

Eavesdrop like there's no tomorrow.

This is the best part. When there's a television or some juicy eavesdropping to be had, it is difficult for me to focus on the person or people I'm dining with. Dining alone is a free pass to indulge in this deliciously rude pastime. Overheard that night:

"Julia Child was quite the drunk. She once bumped into my dinner companion's husband outside a liquor store in Boston and she said, 'Isn't this just the best liquor store!?'"

Solo will probably never become your preferred dining state. But stand up tall, give it a try and let me know how it goes. Have you any pointers to share?

* a joke, because everyone has thought I was nearing my 40s since I was 15 years old