Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Kadyisms: Volume 34

“Every little girl has bad underwear.”

“Is she...majoring in drama?”

“Do you like my professional headshot? It was a professional photographer. I boss's...son's...high school friend came in to take pictures.”

“What time does Walgreen's close?”

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

...Lazy Writers Like Me...

I used to more frequently indulge my love of list making/week summarizing here on Hobo Siren. I feel like this past week was especially momentous, so I'm going to share a few highlights:

This past weekend marked the anniversary of the adoption of Vela, my brother and sis-in-law's Italian Greyhound. I can't even remember life before this absurd creature was part of our family.

I definitely enjoy my self-affirmation that it was because I abandoned my own dog in their care while I galavanted around the East for a quarter of a year that allowed them to open their hearts to the possibility of allowing Vela into our lives. Also, look again at the photo. That's a DOG.

I read Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale. I don't know where it has been all of my life. Here is a brief conversation I had about it:
Me: I'm reading the book that i think will make it into my top 5 favorite books ever
i started it last night
it's like...everything I'm about...
dystopian, feminist...
that's everything i'm about yeah?
Friend: Yep, that's it.
That should be good enough for you to decide to read it. If you need more prodding, converse with me in the next week or two, since it's all I can think about, literally (get it?). Besides, what else could there be to think about this week but the book I just read?

I purchased flowers for myself for possibly the first time. They were daffodils for $4. I purchased the bunch with the most tightly sealed buds, because it has been both stupidly reassuring and stupefyingly captivating to watch them blossom. I'm resisting the urge to write, like, a whole blog post about this.

On that note: it has recently come to my attention that I have some a disgruntled readers who thinks I'm not blogging enough. So...

I'm thinking of introducing a series titled something along the lines of “Protracted Tweets” or “Tweedious” or “Verblose” or “Garbage Blog Posts”. Essentially, these posts would be musings or jokes I had that weren't good enough to be blog posts but were too long to be tweets. For example: I've been trying to work out this tweet/joke about how my plant that I thought was definitely dead this winter is displaying these beautiful new buds—signs of new growth, new life. And how I pass by it and I can't help but notice this verdant and hopeful symbol. And then I look down at my 3PM stained sweatpants/crocs ensemble... Or like, a story about a turkey leg...

You know when you're on a trip and taking a photo of your travel buddy—maybe next to an imposing national monument—and a stranger walks by and says, “Do you want me to take one with the two of you?” And you're like, “Wow, that's so nice! I didn't even have to ask!” And then you show them the button and they return your camera/phone and it looks like this?

I started a new tumblr blog: Terrible Travel Photos Taken By Strangers.

Submit your own here! All terribly cropped photos taken by strangers are allowed. I might update the name of the site shortly. 

Hmmm. I feel like there are some other things...something I've forgotten...something big that happened this week. I'm drawing a blank...Well, I guess that's it! Have a great week, everyone!

Monday, April 21, 2014

The Great Turkey Pardoning

On April 1, 2014, I baked two turkey drumsticks. On April 2, I halfheartedly nibbled at one of them before giving Edie the lesser-spiced bits and adding the remainder to my perennial stock pot. On April 3, I brought the second turkey leg to my office to serve as my lunch. 

On April 16, I collected some things from my office and put them in the backseat of my car. One of them was this pyrex containing the drumstick I'd intended to eat for lunch on April 3, then April 4.

On April 17, I brought some of those things I'd collected from my office from my car into my home.

On April 18, I went through the bag of things I'd collected from my car, and I came across the pyrex with the turkey leg.

On April 21, the turkey leg is still on my counter in the pyrex.

Do not be misled: I have not forgotten about the turkey leg. I have never ceased being fully aware of its existence. I look at it every time I step into my kitchen, which is the path to my closet—and 75 percent of my belongings.

I think about it in the morning. I think about it in the afternoon. I think about it in the evening and late at night. I think about it as I lie in bed and read. Or when I'm taking out the trash or running to the grocery store or spring cleaning my entire apartment. Cleaning my entire apartment would, of course, include the act of lifting up the putrefying carnage to wipe the countertop beneath it.

I have performed the activities of nearly normal life as a nearly normal person all while fully cognizant of the ever-festering turkey carcass encased in sure-to-be-ruined $8 tupperware on my kitchen counter.

I know this can't go on. I mean...I know it can't last forever. I realize no matter how I spin this, it's pay now or pay later. I know I should just rip off the bandaid. But for the time being, I'm paralyzed. You see, as long as my turkey terrarium remains sealed, I'm safe. Right now, we're coexisting in near harmony: both breathing our own little biodome atmospheres. I just can't break the seal! I've been through this before, and I know how it works: “end it now with quite a bit of pain” or “end it later with even more pain”.

But I can't do it. I can't do it.

You're all going to tell me to throw the whole thing away, aren't you? But you know I can't do that. You know how I feel about my pyrex food storage containers. You know I wash and reuse my gallon-size freezer bags

I' this for the long haul. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

Mom Blog Monday: How to Get the Most out of Your Amazon Prime Membership

In a move that is both a bit genius and gratingly irritating, Amazon will be raising the annual rate for their Prime membership from $79 to $99. 

My promotional student annual fee of $39 just run out, and I had just made the decision not to renew when I got the news. And quickly renewed before the rate was raised.

Essentially, Prime allows you free 2-day shipping on Prime items and offers features such as a free Kindle lending library and free access to hundreds of streaming videos. You have until April 17 to make the jump. I've compiled a few tips on how to get your moneys worth.

1. Use Amazon Instant Video for all of your television/movie viewing needs. Drop Hulu and Netflix. It won't give you everything you want, but the selection is decent.

2. Never go to Target ever again. Get all of your paper goods delivered with free shipping. I'm not saying this is the best environmental decision—it could turn into a lot of boxes. Oh well...recycle them?

3. Purchase a “subscription” to items you use frequently. You can save money by having these items delivered once a month or as infrequently as every six months. You can get the following items delivered: diapers, cat litter, dog food, coconut water, coffee, toothpaste and a whole bunch more.

4. Have a kindle? Be sure and take advantage of the free lending library.

6. Purchase your music on Amazon. Each month there's a selection of at least 100 mp3 downloads for $5.

5. Ditch your gym. Amazon Instant Video is full of diverse workout videos.

Anyone else getting the most out of their Amazon Prime membership? Any tips I missed?

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Links for Lazy Writers Like Me: The Frequency Illusion of Celebrities Who Look Like Mattresses

I've had New York on the mind. This essay is about what to do if you're falling out of love with New York, but I'd like you to read it and apply it to your city. Because that's what I did, while sitting at my window overlooking East Lake Street.

73 Questions with Sarah Jessica Parker: more New York musings. All my friends were social-mediahhhhhing over her home, but all I could do was fret over how seamlessly and succinctly she can decide on a response to each of the 73 questions. But this is from someone who needs to qualify and justify her decision to, you know, leave her house.

I'm amazed that as a 31 year old I am still capable of constantly forming so many brand-new bad habits. I like this non-preachy flowchart about changing a habit.

You're thinking of buying a Honda Fit—all of the sudden they're everywhere. You learn a new word, then hear it five times that week. I can never remember the name of that phenomenon, so here is a link to it to help me: Baader-Meinhof.