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Thursday, August 14, 2014

‘Til You Use Me Up

If you can successfully emotionally manipulate me, I say good on you. Well done. 

Like, if you're a couple, and you're 78 and 83 years old, and you're walking past me on the street holding hands and then you—the wife-half of this eternally dedicated partnership—turn to wipe a smidge of strawberry preserves from the snow-white whiskers of the husband-half of this eternally dedicated loyal forever coupling? I salute you. You have not tugged these strings in vain. 

However, if you are the director of the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty video—or, for that matter, the producer of a Sarah McLachlan song: for shame. You are a monster, and you have made a mockery of my compa$$ion.  

And if you fall somewhere in between that spectrum, I think what I can offer you is a shrug and pat on the back.

Because I love and hate this so much that I think I've spun the pendulum back to love:

Because it's not coy or clever. Not even a little bit. It is blatantly manipulative—but its flagrance somehow counteracts any shame- or guilt-inducement. And frankly I just respect it.

And you better believe I tried to adopt that 2.5-lb. chihuahua, Wesley. I had already renamed him Atwood. Or maybe I was gonna keep the name Wesley.

Either way, I salute you, manipulator. Or maybe I just wanted that freakin dog.

NOW:

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Monday, August 11, 2014

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Kadyisms: Volume 38

“I don't know if I'm supposed to give up on love. Or if I should keep pursuing it.”

“Three years ago I was 34 and still really young.”

“I don't know why you're so bad at Kadyisms. All I know is that when I'm doing Summerisms, I listen for all the funny things and then I write them down.”

“Of course it has to be $h!t related!”

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Kadyisms: Volume 37, Which Is Practically 40



“I'm never gonna remember that I'm not drinking.”

“I'm actually just living the life I've always lived.”

“Who are you? You used to be somebody.”

“You did such an amazing crack job on my back at some point in our lives that my whole back was like—fddttttt fddttttt fffddddttttt!”


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Kadyisms: Volume 36—Like the Age She Once Was



“What if you become, like...kind of a happy person?”

“Oh my gawd—last time we went there, I was hilarious.”

“Well I made out with him; it was my job to know his ethnic background.”

“If he were six inches taller, he'd already be married.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Links for Lazy Writers Like Me

Roobyn + Royksopp = so much yes!

White male painters have been turning the ennui of ladies into art for a long time. If you haven't seen this yet, you've been missing out.

I can one-hundred percent get behind this emoji-only social media platform. Choosing my emoji name, however? Unimaginable. This mission shall certainly keep me up at night.

I always love the mystery behind a really great book dedication. Think about the thousands of hours that go into a novel. When I finally finish one I think I'm going to dedicate it to Walter—unless I know a Walter by then. I think I may have a distant cousin... Anyways, here are some quite-funny ones.

I'm always in support of photo montages of beautiful places.

"We'll never have a life like this..." I sort of hate myself for the way I covet the homes of people who are not me. But there's something extra-covet-inducing about literary/academic types. Case in point.